Three days ago, I got home from school and that's when I began my journey for food. I called my friend Andrew and we went to the local pizzeria. After that we decided to go across the street and buy some candy from Rite-Aid, seeing as how we had some change. After looking for exactly 3 minutes and 16 seconds, I saw this and grabbed it immediately.

I know, the pic is bad, but as you can sort of see, I decided to buy a pack of Butt Ugly Martians bubble gum. Some of you may remember this show from about three years ago when it was played on Nickelodeon. Something struck me funny when I saw this because they cancelled the show three years ago, yet they still sold the gum. I don't know if gum goes bad, and it was still unopened. I bought it anyway. Besides, it had three different fruit flavors. I think they were strawberry, tropical fruit, and the almighty blue raspberry. The gum was three years old, and it scared me to think about the horrors that awaited inside the package. But I overcame my fears and I ripped the plastic thing off and opened it up. Just what I suspected...

So far, so good. No worms, no maggots, no rats, no vile puddles of glowing gross globs of toxic green goo. Just little pieces of gum shaped exactly like the martians that starred on the cartoon. Openening the package was scary, but not as absolutely terrifying as eating the actual gum. I put a blue piece in my mouth, tried to chew, and nearly broke a few teeth. It was fucking hard as a rock. It finally broke down and let me actually chew on it. It actually tasted good, as much as I hated thinking about all the diseases I would surely get later on.

Well it's been two days since I actually chewed the horrible death-gum, and I'm still alive. I don't even have any form of cancer!
--Kyle