I made my first huge mistake about two years ago in a Blockbuster video store. I went to go get some good horror movies, and to get to the horror section, you had to go through the children's section. Upon wandering around in the kids section, I noticed a videotape that had an odd-looking yellow/green dragon/dinosaur/cowboy thing on it. On the top it said "HR Pufnstuf". I didn't rent the movie, but I did remember it. Last night I stayed up all night, as usual, and I was looking for something to watch. I flipped through the channels and came across this:

Here's a little background story for those of you who have never seen the show. There's this kid, Jimmy, and he's running in slow motion down a hill playing a flute, no reason at all, except maybe that playing his flute will be thing closest thing to sex he'll ever get. Then, he comes to a lake and sees a boat with eyes. I don't know about you, but if I walked up to a boat and it blinked at me, I would run away. Jimmy just hopped right in the boat and started sailing away. Then the boat crashes, but only two feet away from land. Jimmy swims to shore, and he is on the Living Island. There, he meets HR Pufnstuf, the mayor of Living Island. Just in case you're all wondering, this is all covered in the fucking 20 minute theme song. Anyways, this episode starts off with Jimmy and Pufnstuf sleeping. Too bad for Jimmy they were in seperate beds. Jimmy is carrying his flute, whose name is Freddy, and then he gives it to Pufnstuf. Jimmy sneaks out of the house and starts walking through the woods. But for a reason. Jimmy thinks he can steal Witchiepoo's boat and get off the island.

One of Witchiepoo's (who by the way is the villain) goons, a big dumb bird thing is looking at a crystal ball because the thinks it's a jellybean, and he sees Jimmy. He tells Witchie and her and two goons go out after Jimmy. Luckily, two of Pufnstuf's policemen are also out with Jimmy. They're all running away, and you'd think everything would go along fine, but remember, Witchiepoo is in fact a witch. She says freeze, and Jimmy and the 5-0s stop. Witchie encages the two cops. Then she says a spell and turns Jimmy into...gasp! A Mechanical Boy! Heh. That's weird. Jimmy looks exactly the same.

Witchiepoo tells Jimmy he has 24 hours to bring her Freddy the flute. I don't know why Witchie is just sooooo obsessed with owning Freddy. Maybe it's the fact that Freddy is made of pure gold. Or that he can talk. I don't know. Well anyway, Mechanical Jimmy is exactly the same as regular Jimmy, except he can't walk. He can only do the robot dance. Jimmy robot dances back home and HR Pufnstuf asks him what's wrong. Jimmy can't just say what happened, he has to fucking sing. So Jimmy sings about being a mechanical boy, and then Pufnstuf decides to take him to the clock people to fix him, because Pufnstuf is convinced that Jimmy is under a time spell.

The clock people put Jimmy in a time machine that will make 24 hours go by in just 24 minutes. It actually took about 12 seconds, but it felt like a couple of days. Witchiepoo shows up by the clock people's house and grabs Freddy out of Jimmy's hands. Jimmy then yells and everybody hits the deck, then he chucks a rock at the house. The house sneezes and blows Freddy back into Jimmy's hand. Then, during the ending credits, Jimmy sung his mechanical boy song again.

Wow. This is the most horribly disturbifying show ever. The world was so much better before TV Land decided to bring it back. Before I bring this article to a close, let's recap all the fucked up stuff that happened in this episode.

× Jimmy does the robot dance for 14 minutes straight.
× Witchiepoo gets bitten by a book
× Witchiepoo gets bitten by a candle
× Witchiepoo gets bitten by another book
× A house sneezes...three times
--Kyle