|
Back in the year of 1990, two things were created that would change the course
of history forever. The first thing being myself. The second being Galoob toys' Spew Crew line of action figures. Wait a second,
nobody's ever heard of Spew Crew. And nobody knows who I am. Nevermind, neither of those things changed anything at all. Damn
I was almost right about something.
I think I'll look at Junker first. Junker seems to be a mad scientist of sorts. I know that because he's wearing a white coat.
Anyway, all of the Spew Crew action figures had a special gross trick that they would do. Junker came with a canister of Play-Doh
knockoff that you would put into his back or something. Then you press a button and it oozes out of his face...And his freaking
brain would POP OUT OF HIS HEAD!!! I can't believe these toys weren't the most sucessful thing ever to be invented since the
Chia Pet.
Nozer is an interesting concept for a children's toy. An oddly shaped and
seemingly malnutritioned dinosaur. And he's wearing sneakers. Oh dear, he has a cold! In the middle of summer! Nozer's schtick
is that he has a snotty substance dripping forth from his face that's similar to mashed peas with a hint of toxic waste.
Here's a cool trick you can do with Nozer: Go to any store with those little containers of goo in quarter vending machines.
If you get red, use that instead of the green goo that comes with the figure. In replacing red with green, you have given
Nozer the worst nosebleed you've ever seen. And if you're lucky, he'll die of bloodloss!
Judging by the roses and the nail polish, I would think that Eye Sore is a
chick. Also adding to that notion is that fact the she cries. She cries the same lime puree that Nozer snot rockets, therefore
you can do the bleeding trick on her, too.
Trasher is the stoner of the group. Look at his friggin' eyes! And your tongue
can only turn such colors after numerous hits on a bong filled with pure liquid LSD. Oh yeah, he's also a living trash can.
And his tongue can be used as a catapult to launch the same green gunk that Eye Sore and Nozer use.
Barf Bucket is probably the best Spew Crewer. He freakin' barfs into a bucket!
By the way, he barfs the same exact stuff that Eye Sore cries, Trasher launches, and Nozer sneezes. But to make his puke more
interesting, you can add pieces of random things to make it look more like real vomit.
Pig Dog is my favorite. Mostly because I actually owned one when I was a kid.
I don't remember where I got it, but I was about three when I did and I had it up until I was six. Then I buried the damn
thing in the backyard so I could dig it up in five years and reminisce on my stupid childhood. But then I forgot about it
and moved to a different state four years after burying my beloved Pig Dog. Dammit. Pig Dog was awesome because he could shoot
magic disappearing ink from his belly button. And if you look real fast at him, he kinda looks like a mutant Don Rickles.
--Kyle.
|
